


Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better

by breejah



Category: Labyrinth (1986), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Drunk Gods & Fae Kings, Drunken Shenanigans, Gen, Loki and Jareth being Idiots, Weird Plot Shit, bait and switch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-26 10:13:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19003696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breejah/pseuds/breejah
Summary: Jareth and Loki get drunk together and place bets on who's the better trickster. In the aftermath, it's cleareveryoneloses when these two decide to compete for the 'World's Most Devious' title while under the influence of copious amounts of alcohol. Also, Heimdall earns a new job title: Trickster Tracker.Rated T for lots of cursing, mild sexual innuendo, and just general cracky nonsense.





	Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better

**Author's Note:**

> A really silly one-shot I wrote a while back and for some reason never posted. Enjoy! 
> 
> Inspired by the musical number from the play _Annie Get Your Gun_ and the song lyrics between Annie and Frank, written by Irving Berlin.

 

“Two trickster morons walk into a bar…”

“You _do_ realize we’re right here, right?” Muttered one, still slurring his words but saying them haughtily enough the man addressing them sneered, raising an eyebrow at the noise as he sipped at his tumbler of bourbon.

“Yeah, _rude…_ ” Remarked the other, scoffing into his pint of ale.

“ _As I was saying.._ ” Barked the man, still clearly furious, giving both of them a sneer, “..one was dark-haired and mischievous, the other light-haired and conniving..and one said ‘Say, my life sucks.’ The other said, ‘You don’t say? Mine too!’ and together, they said, ‘Wanna trade places?’ And just like that, off they went and…”

“Oh, come on, it wasn’t _that bad_ ,” Loki complained, sipping on his ale as he stared Heimdal down with a scowl.

“Actually, it was _worse_ ,” Jareth muttered around his bourbon.

“...and royally fucked up _both_ their realms. So, _idiots_ , tell me how this joke ends. Because I am _not_ going to be the one to explain this to the Allfather.” Heimdall slammed his fist down, leaning over the bar that he’d taken command of, staring angrily into the two sour faces of Jareth and Loki alike. “And no involving mortals this time, either of you.”

“ _Don’t look at me!_ That’s all him and my brother! What is it with blonde immortals and brunettes?” Loki shot up from his seat, pointing a finger at Jareth, nearly stumbling in the process. Perhaps he was a little drunk - but just a _little._

The mention of Sarah had Jareth going deathly still. “You lay one finger on her or ever mention her again and I’ll make sure that pretty little Asgardian you like - _Sigyn, right?_ \- never wants to be near you again.” The tone of Jareth’s threat was just deadly enough to silence Loki, who stared at Jareth with a narrowed gaze.

“Both of you, _stop it!_ No one gives a damn about either of your pathetic lack of a love life! Again, back to the case in point? You know, _unfucking_ this _very fucked_ situation?” Heimdall shouted at the two of them, reaching over the bar to grab both their collars and rattle some sense into them.

“My, my, Heimdall, I’ve never heard you use such language,” Loki teased, but roughly elbowed out of Heimdall’s grip, straightening his collar with a scowl. “And yes, I agree, we’ve both made some minor mistakes…”

“ _Minor_ mistakes? _Minor?_ Jareth has angered half the nine realms into almost exacting war on Asgard in _your_ name, Loki! If I were you, I’d be a lot more concerned!” Heimdall shouted, shoving Jareth away. The blonde fae merely looked amused while Loki paused, blinking.

“Wait, _what?_ ” He sputtered, looking over at Jareth.

“And _you_ ,” Heimdall sneered, thrusting a finger back in Loki’s face. “ _You_ sent half the Earth’s children to the Underground! There’s mass hysteria on a grand scale there! You even let the goblins loose! The Avengers are considering it a global threat and once more, you’ve proven how bad you are when handed too much power -- “

“He _what?_ ” Jareth barked, jerking to a stand, looking at Loki with a horrified expression. “Are you _insane?_ ”

“ _SO UNFUCK THIS SITUATION! AND STOP FIGHTING!_ ” Heimdall screamed, slamming his uru down so hard on the bar, it cleaved it in two. Both Loki and Jareth paused, mid-argument, to gape at Heimdall’s fury.

“Alright, alright! We’ll fix this, okay?” Jareth shouted, backing up a few steps. He sighed, looking over at Loki, who appeared just as frazzled and slightly annoyed as he did. “I can reverse time. With Loki’s illusionary work, it’ll be like nothing ever happened, okay? Just give us thirteen hours and everything’ll be fine.”

Heimdall stared between the two as Loki nodded and confirmed what Jareth said. “Quite right. The fae’s on target. We can fix this, Heimdall. Settle down, old man.”

“You better, because in thirteen hours, I’m marching up and telling the Allfather about this mess, unfucked or not. So get to work, you two.”

Sighing, they looked over at one another as Heimdall left the bar. Just as Jareth reached for Loki to transport them back in time, Loki suddenly smirked and drunkenly leaned in, making Jareth pause curiously. Some strange gleam had entered the Norse God's eye and it made him uneasy, no matter how toasted Loki still was.

“By the way, I may or may not have made out with your human. _Tasty little thing._ ” Loki blew him a kiss. "Guess Thor was right. The right human makes all the difference, I think."

Jareth tensed, looking downright murderous in Loki's direction, but the transport spell chose that moment to take effect, blinking them both out of sight before the fight could truly get underway. 

Just then, the _actual_ tavern owner walked in, gaping at the damage at the unoccupied bar. “Who the hell broke my bar? And why the fuck is there glitter everywhere?”  



End file.
